Yeah it’s me. If you don’t know me already then you’ve probably heard of me at some point or another or will by the end of reading this. Purely a story of a young man making it big in this world and the awesomeness that has gotten me to this point. First off let me introduce myself, I am Zack aka “Tha Jew” an amazing guy from Alabama who is on an adventure to see the world and have experiences that none of you will ever believe or get to have also. Now I know what you are thinking, who is this asshole and why is he important? Well you could be right, maybe I am just some asshole or maybe I’m a guy with simple tastes, who likes to party, and is incredibly good looking. So here is my tale.
Since the dawn of time man has wanted to see everything this great big planet we call Earth has to offer and that is what I’m doing. Much like the explorers of years past I’m out to discover things that other people already knew existed long before I was born. And this story begins on the bottom of the world. Invercargill, New Zealand to be exact. But first let’s flash back to see how this awesome guy in front of you got to be this awesome.
The year: 2007
The place: DJ’s house in Jacksonville, Alabama
The scenario: Rugby World Cup 2007 final match (South Africa defeats England 15-6 in one of the most boring games of rugby I’ve ever seen)
Everyone who goes to college finds their niche. For some people it’s greek life, school activities for others. Mine was the Fighting Gamecocks of the Jacksonville State University Rugby Club. For those of you unfamiliar, no that is not the one with the sticks, no we don’t wear pads or helmets, and yes everything you’ve heard about us did actually happen and more so than you can imagine but that is a different story. I had some amazing experiences and too many nights that we will never remember (but those are stories for another time). At this point I was in my 5th year of college (what? I like to party) and the team had all crammed into a small living room, paid our money to drink and enjoy the game, then to party afterwards which is where our story happens to begin. I was outside refilling my cup with some always terrible tasting keg beer and talking with my two best friends. My bros if you will. They were my roommate (let’s call him Fosh) and another teammate (he will be Wilson). There we were discussing the game and talking about the next world cup when Wilson informs me that the next one is in New Zealand. This is where the three of us decide (well more like Wilson and myself with Fosh having already had about three quarters of a bottle of whiskey which made him revert back to the drunken, head-butting redneck from whence he once came) that the three of us would somehow, someway, be in New Zealand to be in attendance for the next instalment of the biggest party in the world.
Fast forward over 2 years into the future (so let’s jump into that delorean and gun it to 88)
The year: 2009
The place: Outside Fosh’s apartment
The scenario: End of the week bro hangout, no major plans on the agenda
So since my graduation from college I had begun my new life as an adult. (Writer’s note: for those of you who are considering this, I warn you that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be and stay young and attractive as long as possible) I was living in Pell Shitty (affectionate nickname for one of the most god awful towns in the history of this great planet) and working as a high school math teacher. That’s right people out there in internet land this guy is responsible for moulding young minds. The same guy that has never dreamed of anything bigger than getting fucked up on a beach with a few locals to occupy my time is actually responsible for other people’s children. But I digress. Fosh was also about to begin his adult life and was finishing up an internship and desperately looking for a job. Now my memory is a little hazy but I believe it went something like this.
Fosh: “dude, life-altering idea that you need to hear so get your ass up here”
Me: “already on my way, almost killed one of the little fucks today, need whiskey”
Arrived at his apartment
Me: “what up bro. I have got to get the fuck out of this town, it’s fucking depressing”
Fosh: “I have the solution to all of our problems. New Zealand.”
Me: “that’s crazy, how can we just… fuck it, I’m in”
The next day I started investigating and 5 months later I’m on a skype interview for a job in Invercargill, New Zealand. 7 minutes later, I am accepting a job in Invercargill, New Zealand. Dear boring life in shitty town, the kid says “peace out loser, I’m going to New Zealand.”
August 2010 I depart from Los Angeles after spending 4 amazing days with the “girl of my dreams” (let’s call the bitch Lindsey). She was going to be living there and I was moving to New Zealand, we were going to beat the odds and show that long distance can actually work. For anybody considering this, stop, change your mind now. Just break it off, immediately!
After a 16 hour flight and 2 days in airports, I arrived and fuck was it cold. I went from sunny hot California to the middle of winter at the bottom of the world. For the first month of being here in the strange land I was trying to get adjusted, get settled, and make a relationship 7000 miles away work. I had my original room given away, got kicked out of the next place I was staying, and ultimately ended up in my current location (I would tell you those stories but they are kind of sad and depressing and let’s face it, nobody wants to read about that, so I will continue with the parts of my life which are awesome. These parts begin when I wake up and last until I go to bed, and sometimes until afterwards when I fall asleep. High 5!)
Adventure New Zealand officially begins
At Flat Jackson, we know how to party. It is an old house with 4 bedrooms and my room. We call it the gimp room. It is smaller than quite a few closets and has something living in the ceiling. Some would consider it a rough place but I call it a challenge (and in the words of the great Barney Stinson “challenge accepted”). We will start this great story on a Friday night and a whiskey and coke in my hand and a skype phone call from Lindsey. We had a fight and had not spoken in about 3 days when she calls. I bet you have already noticed by the tone that would be our last conversation. She decided that she could not handle it and dumped me. Now we have all been dumped before and everyone knows that it sucks. Well I have some news for you, it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. So I head downstairs and proceed to drink my weight in whiskey and cokes with two of my flatmates. These are soon to be main characters in my story (so let’s give them names, we’ll go with Pint Size and Axel). Pint Size is an 18 year old student who knows how to party and is always up for it. Axel is a 25 year old twin. Her and her sister (let’s go with Counter) are the only set of twins that don’t scare me. I’m usually very tolerant of all people. I hate mostly all of them equally (except Gingers. Soulless bastards, stay away from the sun before you turn completely into a demon) but twins or all multiples (high 5!) have always freaked me out. Now if I happen to meet a set of hot twins down for a little “family bonding time” I wouldn’t say no. In fact I would probably broadcast that story on the internet. But again, I digress.
My first taste of Kiwi Fruit
Single for officially 5 days but it might have well been about a month and a half (ps long distance doesn’t exactly make for good sex) when we decide it’s time to officially hit the town and play a little game called “have you met Zack?” It actually happens to be my new favourite game, but some advice: it’s difficult to play this game by yourself or going out with women as your wingmen and on this night I had 2 of them Pint Size and another flatmate (go with Max). The night started off by Mexican bingo at a bar (Mexican Bingo? In New Zealand? It’s really just regular bingo at a bar with a guy in a sombrero giving away prizes from the bar with cheap tequila shots). I don’t know how many of you know what New Zealand is famous for, anybody? No guesses? Well I’ll tell you, Kiwi’s don’t have a history of great thinkers (not that they are dumb, well a lot of them are), they may not be the most attractive (understatement for many of the women of Invercargill but we do alright), but New Zealanders can drink or “get on the piss” as they call it. They start in the morning and don’t stop until the next morning and that’s what we did that night.
So Mexican bingo, hitting on randoms, and a fat chick who seemed to have eaten the hot ones in town were how I spent the first few hours of that night. So after a few pitchers, some losing at bingo, and some flaming shots later we left for bar number 2. The town was officially dead and this night was not quite living up to my expectations. So after trying a few more dead pubs and drinking a few more beers we decide to try one more when we decide to try one more place before calling it a night. Finally, people are out tonight! More whiskey and now off to show off my epic dance moves. (My dance moves are actually terrible, not only do I dance like a white guy, I dance like a Jewish white guy but dammit when I’m drunk you would actually mistake me for Kevin Bacon. Maybe actually Kevin James). I come back down to get another drink when I see Max talking to 2 decently attractive girls (I’m going with a 6 and a 7 and me being drunk and hard up added points on top of that) so I walk up and have some fantastic line which I don’t honestly remember at this point (the joys of alcohol, marijuana, and too many times hit in the head) and the next thing I know I’m at the bar with her buying me a drink. Now I had never been that great in a bar but it seemed like this girl (we’ll call her Kim) was very much attracted to this awesome guy with the sexy accent.
I still have no idea what we talked about nor will I ever give a damn but 2 more bars and losing our friends later, we were having a drink by ourselves. Next thing I know we are kissing in the middle of the bar. My first kiss in New Zealand would not last long when our table was invaded. Now I realize that I’m usually a guy who makes scenes in bars but I don’t often walk upon a table of people making out and sit down to have a conversation. But this gigantic bloke and his 3 friends decided that was the idea. Now not only was this guy way too drunk to stand (possibly the reason for the interruption) but he also had the popular hair of Invercargill and the southern US circa 1988. I’m of course talking about the legend known as the mullet. Now this hairstyle’s only appeal is…. Well, there is no appeal to the mullet. It should be insulted at all times by everyone everywhere. But luckily for us he was sticking around for a while. The more he drank, the louder he got and the more I made fun of this glorious mullet. Next thing I know the bar is closing and it’s that time. That time that separates the winners from the guys who go home and jerk off. Now as you’re reading this you know that I’m awesome now but in the past had not always been so. But honestly did you think I would tell this story if it didn’t have a happy ending for yours truly. Cab and condoms acquired and we’re headed back to the gimp room.
Now to give you a little more details, the gimp room is about 12ft x 7ft. It’s big enough for a single bed and that’s about it. There are also 2 dressers that prevent walking around or opening the door fully and I was about to bring a girl back to it for my first time with as a foreigner (international high 5!) So as one thing leads to another and you have already guessed how this story ends for the hero. She then takes a cab home and I go to sleep happy. First real night on the town = Success for all! As for Pint Size and Max that night, Pint Size had a douchebag boyfriend that she went home to and Max struck out.
So I saw Kim one other time, and let’s just say that I’m really glad it was dark all night because daylight is just not flattering to some people. This guy however looks amazing in all lights!
Hope you enjoyed my first story and stay tuned for more.
Up next: The attack of the stage 15000 clinger.
You will never know how many times I laughed hysterically reading this.
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