So we all know those chicks who your friends tell you “dude, stay away.” These are what we in the business call the psycho clinger. This night started when the sun was still up. I had just finished my last day of work before a two week break and I was very much in the mood to celebrate. Luckily so was Pint Size.
A perk of living with an awesome 18 year old is that they are always down to party. She was already starting before I even got off work. I call and meet up with her at this birthday “party” where she and her friends had started the day with a beer and had already had a few when I show up. I quickly join in through one of my favourite drinking games, Circle of Death. For those of you that aren’t big partiers (and you should change that because well I like to party and pretty much I’m awesome), the game basically is just a more structured way to down beer after beer. Fun times for all.
So after a game or two and a beer of 10 we move inside and apparently the doorstep was a time machine back to my freshman year of college. The room had that familiar aroma of cigarettes, alcohol, weed, sex and shame. I have smelled this so many times that I knew it was going to be a good night. I was wrong at this point. The next 2 hours are a slight haze. I was sitting in a room with college kids and suddenly realized that this party had officially reached lame.
I go to Pint Size and decide that the two of us are way too awesome to sit around with some gigantic stoners who frankly couldn’t hang. So her idea is to call the twins (Axel and Counter our other flatmates). Called them up, and the real night begins. Pint Size decided to stay there, and I don’t really blame her. Her chances in a house that had an 8-1 sausage to taco ratio were much better than mine.
The house was only about a 5 minute walk from our house and next thing I know I see the twins and my first prospect of the night (we’ll call her Demi). They have also begun drinking and found a new and inventive way to use jars that used to contain olives.
Sidebar: So the backstory on this Demi chick is she’s 31, divorced, and has a couple of kids. Normal me says stay away (because to be honest I can do better), but drunk me thinks only two words “she’ll do.”
Off to town we go. The bustling metropolis of Invercargill has about 50,000 people and quite a few bars. The one we chose had a band and was “a good mix of ages” which turned out to be most 40 and older. It was pretty much your average bar with a band but the band was not bad for a cover band full of guys in their 30s still trying to make it and never giving up on their dream. For those of you who do know me you know how amazing of a dancer I am. I mean Kevin Bacon has nothing on these moves. So me, the twins, and Demi take the dance floor by storm. I am about 12 beers deep at this point and decide it’s time to remember that smooth refreshing taste that only Mr. John Jamison can provide.
A drink, a few songs, and some rug cutting later the twins head to the bar to get the next round. To me this means keep dancing and being awesome. To Demi this means stick her tongue in my mouth. I had barely spoken to this chick and now we’re making out on a deserted dance floor in the middle of a crowded bar. “This is too easy” thought the very drunk me and as much as I like a challenge, some nights there is nothing better than a sure thing. The more we’re at the bar, the more Demi decides that touching me is fun. Meanwhile, the Counter and Axel have taken separate occasions to tell me not to sleep with this chick. “She’s crazy!” “She’ll never leave you alone!” they say, and normal me keeps my distance but all drunk me is thinking “she’ll do.”
But back to that in a second. The house that I’m currently living in has two other flatmates (call them Max and Monkee). They come up to meet us at the bar and Monkee could not physically have been drunker. He has a goofy smile and beer spilled all down his shirt. Now, he’s a nice enough guy but seems to have some trouble in the ladies department. So I decide that it’s up to me to pull off a great wingman moment. I see him sitting at a table by himself with a couple of decent looking girls just one table away. So once again I think to myself “she’ll do.” I walk over (in retrospect, I had a much better chance but I was trying to help out a fellow bro) and say hello. “By the way, have you met Monkee?” (note: I used his real name. No girl in their right mind goes for a guy who affectionately calls himself Monkee). They begin talking and I walked back to Demi and the twins. I turn around about 10 seconds later and he looks like he’s about to pray to the porcelain gods and the girl has turned back to her friend laughing hysterically. I guess I’ll have to wait for a time when he’s a little less drunk to try to play wingman.
Anyways, back to the guy who’s actually interesting. The band finishes and we decide it’s time to head back to the house. While waiting what seems like an hour for the cab to arrive, Demi decides that picking up the give way sign (NZ for stop sign) is a good idea. I was pretty smashed but even I knew this was not a good idea. Demi is not that strong apparently and I look up to see a give way sign not very slowly falling towards my head. I was somehow able to summon all of my amazing reflexes to catch the sign about 5 inches from my forehead. We put it back in and are headed home, with me presuming that a long night is ahead of me. “What the fuck is the matter with this chick? She almost crushed my skull with a fucking give way sign?” is what I should have thought. But “she’ll do” was the only thing on my mind that night.
Back at the house I’m still getting warnings and she’s getting more and more touchy. I knew that it was only a matter of time before the gimp room claimed another victim. After some mixing cup margaritas Axel is about ready to pass out. She however does manage to open the door to see me and Demi making out with her hand down my pants. This is where the girl should have gotten the hint that I was only interested in sleeping together and nothing else because I respond to her “what the hell’s going on in here” with a “eh, I’m bored what else am I going to do?” She then passes out a few minutes later. One cock block down. Then out of nowhere Counter and Demi leave to walk to the store. I found out later that Counter was trying to get rid of Demi to “help me.” I didn’t care, I had not worked very hard and was going to see this through to the end.
Once Axel was out, Counter turned from cock block to wingwoman. She disappeared for a minute so we could go upstairs. And upstairs we went. We’re barely in the bedroom when both sets of clothes are off. Now I am fairly private about what happens behind closed doors but this has to be told. In the process of switching positions she pushes me off the bed and proceeds to fall on top of me. Ouch! I get up and collect my thoughts because now I’m just getting a little annoyed. I was going to get mine and get out. Well we finish up and I go to pass out on my single bed which isn’t made for cuddling with someone you don’t care about at all. She then asks if she should stay or not. Usually I’m a nice guy and will let the woman spend the night if she was any good (nothing better than morning sex. For my money it’s the best way to start a day.) but she this chick had already tried to kill me with a sign, tackled me in bed, and quite possibly the worst thing, called me babe. The next thing I said to her (and last thing I remember of the night) was “I don’t care if you stay or go but this is a small bed and I’m not much of a cuddler.”
Now I know this is not that nice but it made me laugh at the time and still does. I proceed to pass out and when I wake up she’s gone. Now it’s always nice to get souvenir but this one was priceless. I had at no point in the night told her my last name, my phone number or asked for hers. But sitting right next to my bed was an unopened condom with her phone number on it (it has since been used with someone else). Classic stuff. I had previously been warned that this chick was crazy but I had no idea. In the span of the next 2 days I had a friend request on facebook with a message from her and she had called the twins no less than 10 times asking for me. I still have not spoken to her or acknowledged her existence in any way. But High 5 for me and until next time friends, some advice : go out and be awesome wherever you are!
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