As most of you guys out there know, the act of luring a woman (or hooking up if you will) is truly an art form. There are some out there who are born with this ability (we all know those assholes who it all just comes naturally). There are some who have worked hard to perfect their craft (this guy included). And then there are some who just don’t get it. Regardless of the category you fall into (hopefully not the last one) even the best of us occasionally need some help. This is where having a good wingman at your disposal always comes in handy.
Wingmen come in all shapes and sizes. The one in this story happens to come in the shape of a chick. Being in New Zealand has brought me many new experiences that I would have never had in my life, and this particular Friday brought another.
Thursday was my last official day of work and I could not have been happier. This seemed like a good enough reason to celebrate. I got done with work and decided that drinking would be a good plan. I went to town with Pint Size and another friend (we’ll call her Sparrow) to celebrate the occasion. It had the makings of a great night until I’m standing at the bar and I see 5, yes 5, of my now former students. Buzz Killington could not have killed my good time any more. Needless to say I proceeded to get hammered. I woke up early the next morning to return my keys to work. I have had some bad hangovers in my time but this one was definitely top 5. I went to work and returned home to sleep it off for most of the day.
About 430 pm I’m awakened by Axel asking me if I wanted to go to with her, Counter, and Max to the cricket match. Now as you have read, I am not the biggest cricket fan in the world but I’d never been to one so I decided to come along. Cricket live is still not all that interesting but can become so when drinking. So we start drinking at the match and enjoying our team being terrible and losing again. The rain started and ended our good time early. We headed back to the house and kept the drinking going.
As the night went on we continued to get drunk when Counter says she has a friend (we’ll call her Josie) who is going to stop by. A single friend at that. Thank you Counter. Apparently she used to work with this chick and thought that we might hit it off. Josie shows up and brings along a friend (some dude named Paddy). We took one look at this guy and just could not think of the words to describe him. First off he looked dirty and smelled a little funky. Not to mention the fact that this kid was missing two of his bottom teeth in a fairly noticeable way. Me and Axel immediately had a great desire to make fun of this guy.
A lot more drinking, some awesome heel clicks, and a round of goon of fortune (during which Paddy was the first victim to spew during the game, thanks for the dead grass in our backyard asshole) we were all pretty drunk and I start to notice that this Josie chick is actually pretty good looking and decent to talk to. The fact that she kept dropping sexual hints didn’t bother me either (nor did her huge boobs. I’m just going to pause for a moment to give everybody a chance to appreciate the greatness of boobs. Just think about them for a minute. Keep thinking. A little longer. Alright moving on.)
It is at this point that Counter steps up as the wing woman. She is talking me up big time to this chick and things are looking very promising. She is also attempting to give me some tips to help with this chick. I pretty much had it in the bag at this point but appreciated the help non the less. Off to town we went. Josie and I could not ditch Paddy quick enough. A few more drinks and suddenly it’s just us in a dark corner of the bar.
Now I have a pretty high opinion of myself, in case you haven’t noticed. I consider myself to be pretty good looking and quite a catch (not to mention the awesomeness factor which currently is off the charts). In this dark corner of the bar she says a phrase that seems to keep happening me “fuck you’re cute.” Check and mate. We start kissing in the bar and I am very much in when Counter reappears. I head to the bathroom and when I return, Josie practically drags me out of the bar. We head to another one because she wanted to “kick my ass at pool.” Things get pretty hot and heavy at the practically deserted other bar while we are playing a game of pool that I somehow managed to grab defeat from the jaws of victory.
A short walk and a long cab ride back to her place happen next. I’ll leave the rest of the night to your imagination (high 5, high 5 again, wait for it… one more time… morning high 5. Seriously what is a better way to start the day than morning sex?). I will give you one of the details though, she snored. Oh my god did she snore. Advice to women, warn a guy before keeping him up all night (post sex) with your buzz saw sounds.
Now normally I would have gotten the phone number and used it as a “don’t answer” but this girl qualified for multiple entries. So I was alright when she texted me later. The next day was one of those mixed with a hangover and sleep deprivation. Much like this day has been. Gotta love a Wednesday after a date (which apparently they don’t do here in New Zealand. The normal protocol is you have drunken sex, then you do it again. If you do that a third time it’s a relationship. I know, confused me too.)
The first week of non-employment has been good to this guy and things should continue in this way. I am moving between Christmas and New Years so wish me luck.
Later kids,
Zack
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
My First 3 Months
So I’m taking a break from my usual format of telling stories about my awesome life to write a few observations of my first few months in this foreign land at the bottom of the world. I just want to say that I have truly enjoyed my time here (minus the job, teaching sucks in whatever country you are living. In case you have been considering a career in high school teaching GET OUT NOW!!!!) and have met some fantastic people. As different as this place has been, some of it has seemed way too similar.
Observations:
1) Invercargill is almost the same as Alabama except with better accents. Seriously eerie similarities. There are a lot of rednecks, tons of people from farms, a large amount of racism (mainly against Asians strangely enough), and every guy has an initial desire to fight anytime they have a conversation with someone. I have almost been punched more than once mainly because I have an accent. Seriously had it not been for Axel I would have gotten in a fight with some old guy because I didn’t give him a good enough answer to his question of “what do you like looking at?” I told him “cool stuff” which apparently was not good enough for him. Luckily I had a kiwi to save me.
2) The scenery is unbelievable. I’m talking about actual scenery (not the female scenery. There are some good looking ones but you really have to look, hard. And then you still will have some problems finding them because either they don’t exist or you can only find them if you know where to look much like the entrance to Hogwarts. Yes I just made a Harry Potter reference, you have the next 30 seconds to make your jokes and send them to me.) I’m talking about mountains, beaches and just the sheer beauty that can’t be found anywhere else in the world. This is some of the only untouched nature left in the world. But moving on.
3) Cricket is the most damned confusing game I’ve ever seen. As most of you know I am a big sports nut. Honestly what guy isn’t? However being here in the truly deep south I have discovered a game that nobody in the good ole US of A has ever seen or heard of, and it’s called cricket. No not the annoying bug that makes a lot of noise when you are trying to fall asleep. This sport actually can be worse than that. It’s a sport that is sort of like baseball but takes longer. The quick games actually aren’t so bad but the “test cricket is excruciating. They last 5 full days to play one game. In addition to being long and boring it is also very confusing. The best I’ve been able to figure out is there are 2 guys batting and basically can stay batting for multiple days just trying to hit the ball with a weirdly shaped bat. I don’t understand it and I guarantee that it will never take off back in the states.
4) They are on a completely different level of swearing. Fuck is quite possibly the worst word you can say in America. Here it can be said on TV as long as it’s after 8 pm. I honestly considered myself somewhat sailor like but I’m an amateur compared to New Zealanders. They cuss on the news for fuck’s sakes. In this PC world that kind of stuff is just shit that can’t be tolerated (does sarcasm come across through blogs?). They also often use words that I had no idea were swears or were even words, which brings me to my next point.
5) We all speak English but we don’t speak the same language. It took me a couple of weeks but I think I finally understand New Zealandese. I realize that as a person from the southern states that I might speak a little slower than some but down here I speak really slowly. I think that they are actually those old timey auctioneers. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that are like “doihear5hundred?igot5heredoihear6anywhere?hadagataheyigthadagataheyigthadaataheyigt SOLD!” I have been given very dirty looks often for asking somebody to repeat themselves for the 5th or 6th time. I still can’t speak it all that well, I sound very strange using some of the kiwi phrases, but I think I finally know what some of these people are saying.
6) Kiwi’s can drink. I mean really drink. Most of the stories that I’ve told here have involved drinking mainly because that is truly what they do best down here. The local and domestic beers here are excellent and they disappear very quickly. I consider myself a good drinker (because well I like to party) and I feel that I can hang with just about anybody. I have been practicing for a while and am pretty good at my craft, but there are children here that can outdrink the majority of Americans. A lazy drinking night for them is not just having a couple. A couple to kiwis is roughly a dozen. That’s just a night sitting around the house. I know of two guys who recently had a drinking completion with the final score being 47-38 in the span of 12 hours. I have to say that even I am impressed.
7) New Zealand local television is fairly awful. Now there are some shows that are decent but for the most part I can’t watch. The worst of the worst is Maori TV. It is an entire channel where the Maori language is the only thing spoken. My personal favourite is Mr. Ed dubbed in Maori. Just terrible. But most of the shows where I can actually understand what they are saying are night time soap operas. As much as I love stories with too many characters and multiple (haha I said multiple) storylines that make less sense the higher the number gets. I actually have attempted to watch (by that I mean, certain people like it and if I want to hang out in the living room, or lounge if you will, then I’m forced to watch) a show about a hospital. At least I think it’s about a hospital, or maybe it’s about a bar by a hospital, or maybe it’s about a nurse who murdered people, or maybe it’s about …. Ahhh, too much to try to follow!
8) People have absolutely no awareness of cars here. Simple rule of the road: do not get in the way of cars. Pedestrians in this town have no idea of this. I have almost hit 4 walkers and 3 bicyclers. They simply walk whenever and wherever they want. I actually had to stop forming a line of traffic behind me because a woman was in the middle of the road and appeared to be taking a picture of a powerline. Not making this up. And just the other day I had a biker follow my car into a parking lot because I “almost knocked him off his bloody bike.” First off if you are over 40 you should not be on a bicycle, nor should you have a pony tail and wear socks with sandals. Secondly don’t ride your bike close enough to a car that when they make a turn that you run the risk of getting hit, moron.
9) The only thing that is cheap here is housing. I am living for fairly cheap here but that is the only thing that is cheap here. For those of you bitching about gas, it is almost $2 a liter here which ends up being about $8 a gallon. A pack of smokes is $15 and a case of beer is about $30. However if you are only paying $80 a week for all expenses then you can live pretty well.
And my personal favourite observation
10) It is 1987 here. I have been told more than once that NZ is about 20 years behind the rest of the world, but I didn’t think it was true. The fashion looks like something straight out of the Fresh Prince. I’m sorry but when did the tight jeans tucked into bright high-top sneakers come back in style. And chicks, spandex is a privilege not a right. Why are you wearing skirts with these long tights? I thought that defeats the purpose of the skirt. It certainly defeats my purpose. One of the most popular songs currently is a techno version of that song from Dirty Dancing. Yeah I realize you’ve had the time of your life but seriously that song sucked then, why bring it back? Also the A-Team is on tv every day, seriously? There are very few things to come out of the 1980s and I don’t see the ’85 Bears shuffling anywhere around. Dear world, the ‘80s were not the best decade please do not bring them back!
Anyways, I am moving my awesomeness to the big city of Christchurch soon. My stay in Invercargill has been pretty good but I’ve always thought I was too big for the small town life and will take a crack at more of big city living.
Later readers!
Zack
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