Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Getting Back on that Horse (With the Help of a Wingwoman)

As most of you guys out there know, the act of luring a woman (or hooking up if you will) is truly an art form. There are some out there who are born with this ability (we all know those assholes who it all just comes naturally). There are some who have worked hard to perfect their craft (this guy included). And then there are some who just don’t get it. Regardless of the category you fall into (hopefully not the last one) even the best of us occasionally need some help. This is where having a good wingman at your disposal always comes in handy.
Wingmen come in all shapes and sizes. The one in this story happens to come in the shape of a chick. Being in New Zealand has brought me many new experiences that I would have never had in my life, and this particular Friday brought another.
Thursday was my last official day of work and I could not have been happier. This seemed like a good enough reason to celebrate. I got done with work and decided that drinking would be a good plan. I went to town with Pint Size and another friend (we’ll call her Sparrow) to celebrate the occasion. It had the makings of a great night until I’m standing at the bar and I see 5, yes 5, of my now former students. Buzz Killington could not have killed my good time any more. Needless to say I proceeded to get hammered. I woke up early the next morning to return my keys to work. I have had some bad hangovers in my time but this one was definitely top 5. I went to work and returned home to sleep it off for most of the day.
About 430 pm I’m awakened by Axel asking me if I wanted to go to with her, Counter, and Max to the cricket match. Now as you have read, I am not the biggest cricket fan in the world but I’d never been to one so I decided to come along. Cricket live is still not all that interesting but can become so when drinking. So we start drinking at the match and enjoying our team being terrible and losing again. The rain started and ended our good time early. We headed back to the house and kept the drinking going.
As the night went on we continued to get drunk when Counter says she has a friend (we’ll call her Josie) who is going to stop by. A single friend at that. Thank you Counter. Apparently she used to work with this chick and thought that we might hit it off. Josie shows up and brings along a friend (some dude named Paddy). We took one look at this guy and just could not think of the words to describe him. First off he looked dirty and smelled a little funky. Not to mention the fact that this kid was missing two of his bottom teeth in a fairly noticeable way. Me and Axel immediately had a great desire to make fun of this guy.
A lot more drinking, some awesome heel clicks, and a round of goon of fortune (during which Paddy was the first victim to spew during the game, thanks for the dead grass in our backyard asshole) we were all pretty drunk and I start to notice that this Josie chick is actually pretty good looking and decent to talk to. The fact that she kept dropping sexual hints didn’t bother me either (nor did her huge boobs. I’m just going to pause for a moment to give everybody a chance to appreciate the greatness of boobs. Just think about them for a minute. Keep thinking. A little longer. Alright moving on.)
It is at this point that Counter steps up as the wing woman. She is talking me up big time to this chick and things are looking very promising. She is also attempting to give me some tips to help with this chick. I pretty much had it in the bag at this point but appreciated the help non the less. Off to town we went. Josie and I could not ditch Paddy quick enough. A few more drinks and suddenly it’s just us in a dark corner of the bar.
Now I have a pretty high opinion of myself, in case you haven’t noticed. I consider myself to be pretty good looking and quite a catch (not to mention the awesomeness factor which currently is off the charts). In this dark corner of the bar she says a phrase that seems to keep happening me “fuck you’re cute.” Check and mate. We start kissing in the bar and I am very much in when Counter reappears. I head to the bathroom and when I return, Josie practically drags me out of the bar. We head to another one because she wanted to “kick my ass at pool.” Things get pretty hot and heavy at the practically deserted other bar while we are playing a game of pool that I somehow managed to grab defeat from the jaws of victory.
A short walk and a long cab ride back to her place happen next. I’ll leave the rest of the night to your imagination (high 5, high 5 again, wait for it… one more time… morning high 5. Seriously what is a better way to start the day than morning sex?). I will give you one of the details though, she snored. Oh my god did she snore. Advice to women, warn a guy before keeping him up all night (post sex) with your buzz saw sounds.
Now normally I would have gotten the phone number and used it as a “don’t answer” but this girl qualified for multiple entries. So I was alright when she texted me later. The next day was one of those mixed with a hangover and sleep deprivation. Much like this day has been. Gotta love a Wednesday after a date (which apparently they don’t do here in New Zealand. The normal protocol is you have drunken sex, then you do it again. If you do that a third time it’s a relationship. I know, confused me too.)
The first week of non-employment has been good to this guy and things should continue in this way. I am moving between Christmas and New Years so wish me luck.
Later kids,
Zack

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