So I’m taking a break from my usual format of telling stories about my awesome life to write a few observations of my first few months in this foreign land at the bottom of the world. I just want to say that I have truly enjoyed my time here (minus the job, teaching sucks in whatever country you are living. In case you have been considering a career in high school teaching GET OUT NOW!!!!) and have met some fantastic people. As different as this place has been, some of it has seemed way too similar.
Observations:
1) Invercargill is almost the same as Alabama except with better accents. Seriously eerie similarities. There are a lot of rednecks, tons of people from farms, a large amount of racism (mainly against Asians strangely enough), and every guy has an initial desire to fight anytime they have a conversation with someone. I have almost been punched more than once mainly because I have an accent. Seriously had it not been for Axel I would have gotten in a fight with some old guy because I didn’t give him a good enough answer to his question of “what do you like looking at?” I told him “cool stuff” which apparently was not good enough for him. Luckily I had a kiwi to save me.
2) The scenery is unbelievable. I’m talking about actual scenery (not the female scenery. There are some good looking ones but you really have to look, hard. And then you still will have some problems finding them because either they don’t exist or you can only find them if you know where to look much like the entrance to Hogwarts. Yes I just made a Harry Potter reference, you have the next 30 seconds to make your jokes and send them to me.) I’m talking about mountains, beaches and just the sheer beauty that can’t be found anywhere else in the world. This is some of the only untouched nature left in the world. But moving on.
3) Cricket is the most damned confusing game I’ve ever seen. As most of you know I am a big sports nut. Honestly what guy isn’t? However being here in the truly deep south I have discovered a game that nobody in the good ole US of A has ever seen or heard of, and it’s called cricket. No not the annoying bug that makes a lot of noise when you are trying to fall asleep. This sport actually can be worse than that. It’s a sport that is sort of like baseball but takes longer. The quick games actually aren’t so bad but the “test cricket is excruciating. They last 5 full days to play one game. In addition to being long and boring it is also very confusing. The best I’ve been able to figure out is there are 2 guys batting and basically can stay batting for multiple days just trying to hit the ball with a weirdly shaped bat. I don’t understand it and I guarantee that it will never take off back in the states.
4) They are on a completely different level of swearing. Fuck is quite possibly the worst word you can say in America. Here it can be said on TV as long as it’s after 8 pm. I honestly considered myself somewhat sailor like but I’m an amateur compared to New Zealanders. They cuss on the news for fuck’s sakes. In this PC world that kind of stuff is just shit that can’t be tolerated (does sarcasm come across through blogs?). They also often use words that I had no idea were swears or were even words, which brings me to my next point.
5) We all speak English but we don’t speak the same language. It took me a couple of weeks but I think I finally understand New Zealandese. I realize that as a person from the southern states that I might speak a little slower than some but down here I speak really slowly. I think that they are actually those old timey auctioneers. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that are like “doihear5hundred?igot5heredoihear6anywhere?hadagataheyigthadagataheyigthadaataheyigt SOLD!” I have been given very dirty looks often for asking somebody to repeat themselves for the 5th or 6th time. I still can’t speak it all that well, I sound very strange using some of the kiwi phrases, but I think I finally know what some of these people are saying.
6) Kiwi’s can drink. I mean really drink. Most of the stories that I’ve told here have involved drinking mainly because that is truly what they do best down here. The local and domestic beers here are excellent and they disappear very quickly. I consider myself a good drinker (because well I like to party) and I feel that I can hang with just about anybody. I have been practicing for a while and am pretty good at my craft, but there are children here that can outdrink the majority of Americans. A lazy drinking night for them is not just having a couple. A couple to kiwis is roughly a dozen. That’s just a night sitting around the house. I know of two guys who recently had a drinking completion with the final score being 47-38 in the span of 12 hours. I have to say that even I am impressed.
7) New Zealand local television is fairly awful. Now there are some shows that are decent but for the most part I can’t watch. The worst of the worst is Maori TV. It is an entire channel where the Maori language is the only thing spoken. My personal favourite is Mr. Ed dubbed in Maori. Just terrible. But most of the shows where I can actually understand what they are saying are night time soap operas. As much as I love stories with too many characters and multiple (haha I said multiple) storylines that make less sense the higher the number gets. I actually have attempted to watch (by that I mean, certain people like it and if I want to hang out in the living room, or lounge if you will, then I’m forced to watch) a show about a hospital. At least I think it’s about a hospital, or maybe it’s about a bar by a hospital, or maybe it’s about a nurse who murdered people, or maybe it’s about …. Ahhh, too much to try to follow!
8) People have absolutely no awareness of cars here. Simple rule of the road: do not get in the way of cars. Pedestrians in this town have no idea of this. I have almost hit 4 walkers and 3 bicyclers. They simply walk whenever and wherever they want. I actually had to stop forming a line of traffic behind me because a woman was in the middle of the road and appeared to be taking a picture of a powerline. Not making this up. And just the other day I had a biker follow my car into a parking lot because I “almost knocked him off his bloody bike.” First off if you are over 40 you should not be on a bicycle, nor should you have a pony tail and wear socks with sandals. Secondly don’t ride your bike close enough to a car that when they make a turn that you run the risk of getting hit, moron.
9) The only thing that is cheap here is housing. I am living for fairly cheap here but that is the only thing that is cheap here. For those of you bitching about gas, it is almost $2 a liter here which ends up being about $8 a gallon. A pack of smokes is $15 and a case of beer is about $30. However if you are only paying $80 a week for all expenses then you can live pretty well.
And my personal favourite observation
10) It is 1987 here. I have been told more than once that NZ is about 20 years behind the rest of the world, but I didn’t think it was true. The fashion looks like something straight out of the Fresh Prince. I’m sorry but when did the tight jeans tucked into bright high-top sneakers come back in style. And chicks, spandex is a privilege not a right. Why are you wearing skirts with these long tights? I thought that defeats the purpose of the skirt. It certainly defeats my purpose. One of the most popular songs currently is a techno version of that song from Dirty Dancing. Yeah I realize you’ve had the time of your life but seriously that song sucked then, why bring it back? Also the A-Team is on tv every day, seriously? There are very few things to come out of the 1980s and I don’t see the ’85 Bears shuffling anywhere around. Dear world, the ‘80s were not the best decade please do not bring them back!
Anyways, I am moving my awesomeness to the big city of Christchurch soon. My stay in Invercargill has been pretty good but I’ve always thought I was too big for the small town life and will take a crack at more of big city living.
Later readers!
Zack
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