The famous first words to that amazing holiday song “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues. I figured this was an appropriate title what with this being the unofficial song of my Christmas holidays (that and we sang it at least 47 times a day over the holiday drinking binge). Christmas time in New Zealand is a little different that back in the US of A. First off, it’s the middle of summer so Counter, Axel, and yours truly took this opportunity to make the most of the sunshine by sitting outside drinking and singing at the top of our lungs for about a 2 week period (the complete summer in Invercargill). It was also an opportunity to introduce the newest craze in drinking (by the way you heard it here first so please try it out): The International Drinking Laws.
Glad you asked. The International Drinking Laws are simple yet deadly.
Law 1: Thou shalt only drink out of your left hand.
Law 2: Thou shalt not speak anyone who is present’s name.
Law 3: Thou shalt not point with the index finger.
Sounds easy right? Give it a try and get back to me.
So Christmas finally comes around and I head to some small town (I can’t remember the name and frankly it’s not even close to important) with the twins for their family celebration. Dysfunction doesn’t even begin to describe this family. The twins are the only ones who resemble normal. We take off and start our drinking weekend on the car trip (which is legal here as long as you aren‘t driving, God bless this country) and are a little tipsy by the time we arrive. When I say small town, I really mean a family farm surrounded by well sheep mainly. I get introduced to the other family members. The brothers, sisters, in-laws, children, step children, step in-laws, and a guy who looked like a hobo. The barbeque and drinking festivities continue and I’m ready for a good night.
Enter skinny blond girl. She was somehow part of the family but who can keep that shit straight. The girl immediately starts talking to me and finds me very interesting. Oh did I mention that she was only 16. Honestly what the fuck? Although that is the legal age of consent in New Zealand, that’s a little much even for this guy. So this means some avoiding for me will have to happen.
Axel and I head outside to play backyard cricket (ps check out my article in the St. Clair County News about cricket) with the kids. It’s acting like a normal family event when a small ginger kid starts crying.
Side note: Gingers don’t have a soul. If you are a ginger and didn’t know this already, I would apologize but I’m not going to. It sucks for you that you have this condition and I would consult your local physician to look for a cure to gingeritits.
Anyways, tackling starts for some reason and I end up getting kicked in the ear by a 10 year old. Weird afternoon is starting to turn into a very drunken night. We teach everybody the International Drinking Laws and the night begins. It was a fairly normal night of drunken debauchery including people taking caps off beer with the fishslice (or spatchula for the rest of the world) much like the movie Once Were Warriors.
Side note again: This movie is often referred to as New Zealand’s favorite romantic comedy. If you get a chance to watch please do. It will give great insight into the life of the Maori culture. This movie has everything. Alcohol abuse, domestic abuse, rape, gang initiation, drugs, suicide, honestly what else does a movie need?
About 3 am rolls along and I head off to chair to catch some z’s waiting for Santa to arrive. And arrive he did, in the form of 3 children under the age of 12 at 730 am. I warned them that I would end them if they continued to try and wake us up that early but to no avail. We then do the family gift giving where the spoiled kids get way too much shit and complain about not getting more. I am working off a massive hangover when the 16 year old starts parading around in these low cut tops trying to show off her surprisingly large tits. They must have been hiding in the jacket from the night before.
Side note numero 3: Yes I felt dirty at the time and still do for looking and for some thoughts that passed by.
Moving on, we have lunch and head back for the house. Thus ending one of the drunkest holidays I’ve ever had. I managed to get loved by somebody else’s family, kicked in the ear, had a 16 year old slut it up around me, and get absolutely hammered. All in all, good weekend.
A few days later I moved to Christchurch. Not much to report from the first few days here. I won some money at the casino, found a new place to live (out of the gimp room!), and had a house party. Hopefully some new awesome stories to report soon.
Happy 2011 everybody,
Zack
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