The Night We Suited Up

Now I’m sure that all of you have heard the expression “Suit Up!” from the awesome character of Barney Stinson (Neil Patrick Harris from “How I Met Your Mother”) but how many of you have actually heeded his advice?  This next story is one where me, Pint Size, and Fish lived a night that would have made even NPH proud.  It all started in our living room on a Monday night….

There we were, just sitting around having a lazy Monday when Fish shows up at our house.  Anyway, not to bore you with idle conversation we’ll just skip ahead.  Somehow the topic of suits comes up in conversation which leads me to tell how I’ve got an awesome 3-piece suit just sitting in my closet and I’m looking for an excuse to wear it (I’ve since learned that any excuse is a good excuse to wear a suit).  The twins and fish don’t believe that I look good in or even own a suit, and me being me had to prove them wrong.  I head upstairs and proceed to dress to the nines.  I am very proud of this suit because besides looking good on me, it’s also got a near perfect record (the one blemish was a Bat Mitzvah so I’m not really counting it).  So going into the night it was 2-0.  Anyways, I go downstairs to hear calls of “wow” and “damn” which were just the sounds I was hoping for when genius strikes me.  Fish needs a suit and Thursday night we’re suiting up and going out.

Tuesday when I arrive home from work, Fish is there and already wearing his new suit which he got second hand but still looked pretty damn good.  The suits were set, the night was set, the participants were set (Pint Size was going to dress up and join us), and all we need is the story.  Now I’m usually a very honest person, but with great suit comes great responsibility.  We needed a great story to explain the suits.  Invercargill is not usually a suit town, you get more “why are you wearing a suit, you asshole” than anything else.  So after some consideration we had a few different ones to choose from.  We were debating about the funeral excuse (note: I don’t like to use this one because tempting karma is not a good idea), wedding, brothers, or traveling executives.  Now as good as all of these sound, we couldn’t exactly pull off the relatives due to me being American and Fish being Kiwi.  Too many holes in the story, main one being that we sound and look nothing alike.  So we decide on the traveling executives idea.

First off I would like to thank the Ford Motor Company for being such a big name worldwide and being the biggest car name in New Zealand (Holden you can suck it).  We were to be Ford executives who had been in meetings all day.  I was an American sent here to do research on the plants and dealerships all around New Zealand.  Pint Size was my personal assistant for my time here and Fish was a higher up at who works in Invercargill that was the guy I met in the last meeting and offered to take me out.  I am not much of a car guy so I let him handle those discussions and I was just going to let the accent do its work.

So Thursday rolls around and we’ve all suited up.  Now I’m not sure about the rest of you but usually I can tell how the night is going to go by the first about 10 minutes of the first location.  We decided to first get a drink at a smaller pub that had some live acoustic music.  I ordered my drink of choice, whiskey and coke (Jamison whiskey to be exact), and the night officially began.  We had been in the bar about 14 seconds when every head had turned to look our direction.  Yes we did just walk in and yes we did look that good.  This was going to be one of those nights that we talk about for weeks or longer.  It will no longer just be that Thursday we went out, it will be the night we Suited Up! As Ford execs no less.

We stayed for that drink mainly to test out our story and I just want to give a round of applause to Pint Size and Fish for being excellent at thinking on their feet.  The story was working perfectly on the bartender girls who were sober and within minutes we had them eating out of our hands.  Off to the next place we decide.  Different bar, same story.  Everything was just coming easy for us.  It was like we’d been doing this forever.  When one of us didn’t have an immediate answer or was in danger of getting caught, another was right there to keep it going.  A few more bars, a lot more looks and Pint Size getting us free and cheap drinks, it was a beautiful sight.  There was only one problem: where the hell was everybody?  It was a Thursday night, usually a big night for Southland, but 3 bars down and we had exactly 0 prospects between us (by us I mean myself and Fish, Pint Size could have had whatever she liked).  Every pub we hit we got the same story.  “Wait a little while and go to Barluca.”  We played dumb and finally hit the most popular young people’s bar in town.  It’s pretty decent for what it is.  The drinks are reasonably priced, there’s a dance floor, loud but not too loud most nights, and usually an ample supply of girls who’ve had just enough to drink for me to be much more interesting than in real life.

We decide it’s finally time to put this to the test and try Barluca.  We walk in to the same response as everywhere.  The doorman checking some annoyed looking person’s id while he waves at the suits who are allowed to just walk right in.  Finally!  There are people at this bar and we are the best looking group to walk in all night. 

First rule of going out on the prowl:  Always make a lap.  The guy who immediately goes to one spot and stays there never scores.  Lap made, table found, whiskey drinks on the way…. Game time.  We were almost called out by people who thought they knew Pint Size and I did my best, along with an excellent effort on her part, to distract them so as to not blow our cover.  I do admire the kids for trying but in the words of Ferris Beuller “If I’m going to get caught, it’s not going to be by that guy.”  I was beginning to think that maybe the women just weren’t out tonight because although there were a few, most had a man with them or had turned one of us down already. 

Rule number two: You’re going to swing and miss on occasion.  There is no man alive who doesn’t get the occasional no, drink thrown in face, fuck off, slap, or my personal favourite “get on your level.”  If you think the night is over because of this then give up now and enjoy spending way too many nights alone (I know, I’ve been there but now I’ve learned that it’s all about confidence and persistence).  So we venture on when suddenly, Jackpot!  A group of 5 girls come in.  No men with them, all drunk, all hot.  I look at Fish and he sees them too.  “What’s our opening line?” I say to him when he suddenly comes up blank.  “Fuck it, follow my lead” I decide and we head to the bar where the girls are taking shots.

Rule three: When you see a group of girls, especially hot girls, taking shots of tequila, by all means go introduce yourself to these new friends.  That’s what we did next.  I start it off with some comment about the shots when the hot black chick turns around and I hear “you are really cute, where are you from?”  I had literally said about 4 words to her and she’s already good to go.  She asks me my name and why am I in a suit.  I give her our story only to be asked “have you been kissed in New Zealand yet?”  Before I could even respond, she had her tongue in my mouth.  I’m not usually great at the bar and never this quickly, it has to be the power of the suit.  Now since I have a chick who is already making plans to show me a good time for the one night I have in Invercargill I decide it’s time to help out Fish.  “Fish, look I got one, second hottest one at the party.  Let’s get you one too.”   After a few games of “Have you met Fish?”  The girl, who I have learned is from South Africa (although I was told later that she looked more Indian, to which I say what the fuck do I care it was dark and I was drunk but she still look good.) and that’s what we’ll call her for the sake of the story and she lives in New Zealand now, decides that she’s going to try and help out.  She calls a friend for Fish and the girl shows up at the bar.

Rule 4:  If your wingman gets a chick before you and said girl calls a friend for you, don’t let them leave the bar without you.  Now this is just good business.  I mean the girl came down there to meet you and you can’t just lay an egg.  Even if you don’t have your A game that day at least show up to play.  Fish however went up to the plate, looked at 3 down the middle and went back to the dugout.  I was really expecting more from him and do expect more in the future.  We tried and tried but it was clear that Fish needed to step it up or he was going home all by himself.  Which is what I’ve heard ended up happening.

Meanwhile, I had made out a few more times and kept being told that “I never go home with a guy from the bar” but we were in the cab headed that way.  Now this could be the drinking, the noise, or just the night but I was headed to the house of a girl I’d just met.  Or maybe I should say the parent’s house of a girl I’d just met.  One thing leads to another and we end up in the backseat of her car.  This particular vehicle was a hatchback and at 5’10’’ I’m not the tallest guy in the world but certainly a hatchback it going to make it tough.

Rule 5: Any awkward situation can be turned into a good situation.  Any time you find yourself not sure of what to do next, just keep experimenting until you make it work.  And make it work we did!  High 5 for this guy!  We finish up and she calls me a cab.  I get home and go to work 3 hours later for the most miserable Friday work that I’ve had in a while.  But as they say “bad mornings usually follow good nights.

This particular night was a great night.  Much praise to Fish and especially Pint Size for their incredible thinking on their feet and a great night. 

Keep Awesoming out there blogosphere!