Ah it’s that time of year again. That time of year where fall has officially set in, the leaves falling off the trees, it’s getting cold at night, and that wonderful holiday known at the end of October is upon us. Well not here. It’s warm and pretty but Halloween is still the same. That one amazing night of the year where women let out their inner hoe-bag. The only time where the sluttier the better, and I love this holiday. I mean how many other days of the year do you get to get hammered and dressed up at the same time.
Halloween might be my favourite holiday and I decided that even if it’s not a big deal here that I was going to make it one and with that I was going to throw a party that was going to go down as legendary.
I pride myself on being able to throw one hell of a party (if you ever attended one thrown by the International House of Hebrew and Fosh then you already know, but those are different stories) and I wanted to show New Zealand that Americans can hang with them. So in early October I was sitting around with Pint Size, Counter, and Axel in the living room on a boring weeknight.
“Hey, is Halloween a big deal here?” I asked to no one specific.
“No, not really. I mean some people dress up and stuff but not that big of a thing.” Was their reply.
“Well this year it is! Party, our house, everybody dress up!” I decided and everybody seemed to think it was a great idea.
For the next few weeks we begin planning. We decide that our garage is the going to be the location, a keg is needed, and we need a lot of people. I don’t really know a ton of people in town (or at least by name, high 5!) but the flatmates do and the party is now officially almost here. We had the decorations, we had Axel’s famous punch soon to be mixed, a keg on the way, a decently sized guest list, and some awesome costumes (my original idea was to be Captain Planet, which I may use at some point in the future but couldn’t seem to make it work on this night).
So the weekend finally rolls around and we have a party to throw. Pint Size, her sister, and yours truly spend most of Friday afternoon getting the garage Halloweeny. Cobwebs (some that we bought and some that were just there) set the tone along with a skeleton hanging from the ceiling and spiders all over the place. The setting was right perfect and the party was pretty much ready for the next day.
When you throw a party you tend to start a little earlier than everybody else and with Axel’s punch being delicious we decided that about 5 pm was about the right time to start drinking. By 6 we were all almost drunk and decide it’s time to put on our costumes. Earlier in the day I had scraped Captain Planet and found a fantastic 70s leisure suit. It was pale blue, with a paisley shirt, and I found a pair of the ugliest brown platform shoes to complete the outfit. It was awesome and sure to get attention from certain people of the slutty chick variety.
Not knowing very many people who are coming to my party does have some advantages. Lots of strange would be crawling around and I’m the guy looking sexy in the leisure suit. I had invited a few randoms from just being in town (such as the checkout girl from The Warehouse who actually did show up, but more about that later) but most of the guest list would be the friends of the roommates.
By 8pm people had already begun to arrive, we were Halloween suited up, and we were about drunk. Some of the costumes were actually fantastic (Pint Size and her sister were a pair slutty vamire devil and quite a pair they were. Axel made Pat Benetar look like trash with her 80s rocker attire. Counter, who had just had surgery, used the crutches to her advantage as a Special Olympics athlete. Max was a fairy princess and Monkee was being himself. So I guess it was more of a drunk moron costume) and then some people just kind of showed up.
So the party truly begins and I am pretty hammered by the time the sun goes down. It was going really well but there seemed to be a lack of something. Where are all the women in this town? There are a few but mostly they are too young or too old. Or just those that make you go, seriously? Lucky for me Fish had arrived and suited up. So I had a wingman, all we need is women when some finally appear.
Before I continue I want to go back to two days before. Max, Pint Size, and myself are at The Warehouse (kind of a smaller Wal-Mart but not as evil) buying supplies for the party when I notice that the checkout girl is kind of hot. She was wearing an angel outfit, which she happened to mention she had lost its halo (hell yeah), when I decide that she needs to come to the party. So I do some mediocre flirting and invite her to the party, fully not expecting her to never show up, but she writes down the address.
After being outside for a little while, Fish gets my attention and says there is something important that I need to see inside. Checkout girl is standing in my kitchen and has brought a friend. Sounds like a good set up to me. We start talking and things seem to be going well, when some of the worst words in the English language come out of their mouths. “Oh, our boyfriends blah blah blah blah” (I didn’t listen to anything past the word boyfriend). What the actual fuck? We’ve been working these two girls for almost an hour and this is the first mention of this horrid fact. Honestly who shows up to a party after being hit on at work, sober, and with a boyfriend? Both of them having one too? So after a quick bro pow-wow we decide that it’s time to move on. They leave and we move on to the rest of the women at the party. But the pickin’s were slim. There was the 50 year olds with their tits hanging out (not too bad for their age but their scary looking husbands were right next to them) or the one who I later found out was 17 with her boyfriend.
Side note: I’m all for the team costume idea. Hell I’m even okay with the couple costume idea as long as it’s funny, creative, original, or even just kind of good. There is a line that should not be crossed though. This couple were both dressed as priests. Both of them. It would have been bad enough there but they weren’t done being my new least favourite couple in New Zealand. What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of priests…. Jesus of course. How many of you went little boy touching, show of hands? Of course you did, well so did everybody else at the party and out come the jokes. Word of advice: if you dress up as something ironic you better be prepared for the jokes, or better yet start them yourself. Well not only did this guy get offended by this, he also tried to fight people for them speaking to his girlfriend. Again, if you can’t handle it, don’t do it. Throughout the night the guy got worse and just got douchier the drunker he got. He also seemed to be one of the most whipped boyfriend in the southern hemisphere. I was told that he went with his girlfriend to the bathroom. I can only assume it was to help her wipe her ass. He actually ended the night by almost crying in the living room and I can only hope that people got embarrassing pictures to remember it forever.
Back to my story, because well it’s more interesting.
So there we are. Single, drunk, dressed up, and not an actual prospect to be seen. Pint Size was having similar luck. Sure there were guys there that she could have her choice (well she is hot and it is much easier for a hot girl, fuck you double standard) of but even if you add them together they don’t make a double digit number on the hotness scale. It’s about midnight and some people have heard that a lot of people have gone to town so I decide that seems like a good idea. Monkee and his friend are headed up there so I decide to join them.
Town was jumping a little bit and I decided to ditch the leisure suit and go with something a little nicer. We go to the bar and I ditch them pretty quickly. Now I love having and playing wingman but these guys were not going to make my time any easier. I make a lap of the bar and find one who looks pretty good. So I strike up a conversation and we get a drink. After talking a little bit I discover that I should have kept walking but me being very drunk at this point I was not thinking straight. She was sober. Two in the same night. Halloween no less. It seemed to be going alright anyways when her friends give me that “get the fuck away or we will actually hurt you” look and drag her out of the bar. Oh well, moving on champ. I decide that I’m way too drunk for town and should return to the party. Can’t find a cab so I start the only about 10 minute walk when I get recognized by a car.
Side note: in real life I teach high school (for now) and like to have no affiliation with anything that has to do with the school when I’m not at work.
In this car are 2 of my students. Sober me says stay away, but drunk me says “fuck it, I’ll take the ride.” So they take me back and the party is pretty winded down. I go out to the garage and it’s just Pint Size, Fish, and Axel and they are as drunk as I am. We spend the next while (no idea how long it was because after 4 cups of punch, 5 whiskey and cokes, a few beers, and a keg stand you tend to lose track of time) swaying and holding each other up because if it hadn’t been for others arms we all would have fallen. And after about 9 rounds of “Tiny Dancer” sung horribly by all of us, we sang it a 10th time. The party started with 4 of us and that was the right way to end it. Good times with good friends and not too bad of a way to end the night. Or at least I thought it was then end of the night.
Piece of advice boys and girls: if you’ve been drinking since the middle of the afternoon and you can barely stand by 3 am, don’t let your friend talk you into going to somebody else’s house to “meet these slutty girls he knows.” Most of the time, yes they are slutty but you don’t want any part of these toothless, disease bustling, possible women. And that’s just what these two chicks were. So I’m at my third location of the night, hammered, and not really sure what’s going on. The only alcohol left was warm beer and Jim Bean. One shot later I was outside “peeing.” I actually had that familiar feeling of puking up the shot and sadly I decided that I should stay.
I should not have, I should have left with Axel and just gone home. These chicks were definitely trying to decide who gets who when Fish leans over to me and says “which one you want?” Now as drunk as I was, these two still didn’t add up to double digits on the hotness scale. Actually these two probably added up to a two on the scale. So I decide that I’m going to drink until they were hot. There was not enough alcohol on the planet for that to happen. So as the sun starts to come up, I decide it’s time to go home. I head back outside, puke again, and take a cab home.
A two day hangover followed and some good memories. So no play for this guy (damn soberness) but a great night none the less. Plus I was going to Auckland in a few days and had a new suit for the occasion. So awesome things should be in my near future.
Peace out and a belated Happy Halloween!
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